People with herpes should wear stickers.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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