she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
