she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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