Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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