We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
