I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
