last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
