Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
