dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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