Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
