I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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