she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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