i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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