so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
