He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
