my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
