is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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