Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
