I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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