Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
