No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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