worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
