chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Your dad touched me again.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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