Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
