He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
