The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
