Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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