Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
