dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
