So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize