Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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