Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
