Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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