Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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