I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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