i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
