I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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