I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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