I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
