ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
