i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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