They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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