I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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