I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
