My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Who did Billy Mays play for?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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