Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
