I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
