it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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