i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
