this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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