i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
