I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
