You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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