i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
