So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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