Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
