Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
