I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
