I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
