She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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