Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
