I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
