At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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