For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
