bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
